Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
