the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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