we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
