so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
