why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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