hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
