So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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