I seem to have left my pride at pride
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
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