I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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