so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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