Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
