I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
