If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
