the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
