She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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