I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You left your phone here
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