Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
