New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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