im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
