when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he shaved USA in his pubs
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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