She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
