she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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