After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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