my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
