At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
