I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
