i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
