I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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