Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
