Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
