I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
