I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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