A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
