If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
