The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
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