Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
