I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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