You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize