My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
