She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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