things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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