Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Randomize
