A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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