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If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
