I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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