She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize