bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
