I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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