uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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