you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
