He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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