this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
