We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
