Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
