I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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