I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
