I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I think I just shit out all my problems.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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