Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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