tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
