She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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