1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
Randomize
