Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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