Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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