Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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