Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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