do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
